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10:30 am. April 1, 2008
Soon, I hope to celebrate a birthday....not a natal one, but a 12-step one with Alcoholics Anonymous. I've written here before about A.A.--what it has done for my life, why I go to meetings. Still, I'm compelled this morning to reflect on my recovery again. Perhaps because years ago--- twenty-eight, to be exact, I was in great pain on April first. Death had come by and put me in pain. As usual, my solution to coping with pain was to run. Straight to the bottle.
Today, I know I don't have to do that. Back then, I didn't. For me, drinking was the universal solution to everything, to every problem, to every feeling that scared me, exhilirated me, pained me, puzzled and confused me. I wanted to change those moods, those feelings with alcohol. I later learned, in recovery, that the drive to drink is about mood change. About changing feelings that a person can't harness and control. Control is the operative word here. Nine times out of ten, an alcoholic is a control freak, fearful of feelings that don't "feel good."
Instead of running from them, feelings are something I am learning from, today. They help me know who I am, how I see things, what is important to me.
Alcoholism is also a disease that--it's been said--can make you well if you work for recovery. Which is to say, if you're willing to change, to grow, to be open to other ideas, and to listen to somebody else instead of the "off the chain" thoughts in your head that always take you to the bottle if you're addicted to alcohol.
Pain is still pain. Happiness is still happiness. Loneliness is still loneliness. They are all feelings. Today, I choose to regard feelings as different colors that paint my canvass, that make up the rainbow of me. On the canvass of me, I need all the colors, not just one or two. All the feelings, all the colors make up me. And I don't have to be scared of that.
On the canvass of me, I feel all the colors...the difficult ones, the easy ones, the scary ones. Live them without a drink, one day at a time.
24 comments:
I really enjoyed reading "Meditations V: April 1st". There are alot of people who drink there pain away.In the story, you revealed the pain, vunerablity, reality, and the hopefulness.
I enjoyed reading this blog because she relates to lots of people who are alcoholic. I love how the author talked about the canvas and how she needs all the colors to complete it. I feel the same way because it can be hard at times but also easy. Even though some things are hard to get through it is possible.
In this post, "Meditations V: April 1st," I like reading the part where you wrote about describing your feelings to different colors of your canvas because of how you related it. There are different kinds of feelings like happy, sad, mad, & excited. Comparing it to different colors explain that there they are different from each other but, you contain all of it because on a cavas, it holds all the colors.
This blog is really good. I know what it feels like to be in pain. i'm not saying I know how you feel because I don't but I know what pain feels like and I know that doing something to make it go away seem like the best thing but it wasn't it just made it worse. I'm happy that you over come your problem and I did too. For me to over come my problem and realize my pain isn't going away by doing what I was doing, I ended up pregnant and I'm so happy and I don't have so much pain. I have my baby coming in november and need to be good to myself.
I know a few people that can relate to this story. I will recommend this story for them to read, so they will feel motivated to change their drinking habits.
I really admire you for the woman that you are just because you fought through something very difficult that not many people are able to detach themselves from. I really enjoyed the language and tone which made your story come to life before my very eyes.
i Like reading this blog. I really like the way you talk about pain and how people drink alcohol to take there pain away. My aunt is like that i believe thats why she drink because shes in alot of pain and she think that that will make it go away.
I enjoyed reading your blog, Meditations V: April 1st, i can say that my grandfather went threw this same situation, he's also been off the bottle for a long time also. I respect you of what you have become today and made a difference in my life, a real help for me.
" Meditations V: April 1st "
I really admire you for the woman that you are just because you fought through something very difficult that not many people are able to detach themselves from. I really enjoyed the language and tone which made your story come to life before my very eyes.
I admire how strong you are. I am sure that many people can learn from your story. I enjoyed reading your Blog becaus it is full of datails.
I enjoyed reading "Meditations V: April 1st". I like the way you talked about the pains that you want though and gave examples. This story is reality for some young and older people, and it seems that people will learn from this story.
In the Blog "Meditations V:April 1st", I admired how strong you are. I am sure that many people can learn from your story. I enjoyed reading you Blog because it is full of details.
Reading Meditations v: April 1st really related to me because I have close friends of mine that are on the recovery of alcoholism. The way you wrote about your personal thoughts about the feeling of alcoholism and the way it made you "run" to it made me feel it with you. The detail in this blog left me with a more better understanding of the disease of alcoholism and it's affect on a person.
Congratulations, Frankie! Happy anniversary!
The "Meditations V; April 1st" is a really good story. It shows that sometimes we really can't find other ways to deal with our feelings but drinking. I think that I can relate because I feel that sometimes we have a hard time in letting out our feelings. I think that we sometimes have to rely on something to help us with dealing with problems that we should just let out. I really know what it is to let your feelings out and I think that you took a big step in overcoming alcoholism. I really enjoyed your story and share some of your same feelings about how it is to get frustrated about problems we have.
This blog is very inspiring, not because I drink, but because it shows how strong you are and if you really set your mind to something that you can accomplish it. I love the details that you use, especially when you said about how our emotions are different colors to make up our own personal rainbows. You are truly an admirable person.
I enjoyed reading "Meditations V: April 1st." It was interesting to know that going to the A.A. meetings has helped you recover from your addiction. Some people who attend meetings and attempt to recover end up falling back into the addiction. It's good to hear that going to these meetings have changed your life and the way you see things. The way to go is by taking it one day at a time just like you said.
I really like this blog. I am very happy that you are no longer addicted to alcohol. I can't even imagine what life would be like without feelings. I love how you refer to your feelings to paint on a canvas. This also reminds me of my father because he is also a alcoholic and this blog gave me advice.
I have to up most respect for the people with n addicton. The strength to say it and know it's wrong is being a big person and taking responsiblity. That is a great step.
I really enjoyed reading "Meditation V: April 1st". The writter is very strong and honest to share her story. I loved how she was descriptive in this story. I really admire Frankie for overcoming this huge opstical in her life.
I feel that I can relate to your story in the fact that my uncle was also an alcoholic and he is in recovery as well. He has been attending the A.A meetings for about 26 years. He really enjoys attending those meetings they help him relax and think about all the things that he made his family suffer for so many years. I think it is so amazing that you had the will to stop the drinking habits and that you wanted to better yourself. It is incredible that you were able to realize that you were in desperate need for help, and that there were people that were willing to help you get over your drinking problems. I am happy for my uncle and his family because they don’t have to suffer the abuse mentally nor physically.
I like this blog because I like the fact that the author talks about the canvass and how she is made up of a rainbow. I think we are all made up different colors and that is what makes use. In addition, I like that the author talks about how alcohol was her “universal solution to everything,” and later in her blog she writes how A.A. helped her overcome her addiction. Also, she gives us advice on how we should learn from our feelings because they make us who we are, how we see things, and what is important to us. I really like what she had to say about her situation because I can learn from it.
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