Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Meditations V: April 1st

Copyright 2008- All Rights Reserved

10:30 am. April 1, 2008

Soon, I hope to celebrate a birthday....not a natal one, but a 12-step one with Alcoholics Anonymous. I've written here before about A.A.--what it has done for my life, why I go to meetings. Still, I'm compelled this morning to reflect on my recovery again. Perhaps because years ago--- twenty-eight, to be exact, I was in great pain on April first. Death had come by and put me in pain. As usual, my solution to coping with pain was to run. Straight to the bottle.

Today, I know I don't have to do that. Back then, I didn't. For me, drinking was the universal solution to everything, to every problem, to every feeling that scared me, exhilirated me, pained me, puzzled and confused me. I wanted to change those moods, those feelings with alcohol. I later learned, in recovery, that the drive to drink is about mood change. About changing feelings that a person can't harness and control. Control is the operative word here. Nine times out of ten, an alcoholic is a control freak, fearful of feelings that don't "feel good."

Instead of running from them, feelings are something I am learning from, today. They help me know who I am, how I see things, what is important to me.

Alcoholism is also a disease that--it's been said--can make you well if you work for recovery. Which is to say, if you're willing to change, to grow, to be open to other ideas, and to listen to somebody else instead of the "off the chain" thoughts in your head that always take you to the bottle if you're addicted to alcohol.

Pain is still pain. Happiness is still happiness. Loneliness is still loneliness. They are all feelings. Today, I choose to regard feelings as different colors that paint my canvass, that make up the rainbow of me. On the canvass of me, I need all the colors, not just one or two. All the feelings, all the colors make up me. And I don't have to be scared of that.

On the canvass of me, I feel all the colors...the difficult ones, the easy ones, the scary ones. Live them without a drink, one day at a time.