Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts

Saturday, July 10, 2010

The Mee Street Chronicles: Interview with the Author



Copyright 2007-All Rights Reserved

Interview with Author, Frankie Lennon, About Her Memoir

1. Briefly, what’s the book about?

The Mee St. Chronicles is a very candid, passionate memoir of my battle to claim my own life and sexual identity. In it, I narrate stories starting with my childhood and take you with me on my turbulent life journey & struggle to find freedom from the many prisons that bind me. How the conflicts in my life play out give my stories page-turning drama that I think readers will enjoy.



2. How did the book come about?

The idea of writing about my life experiences had been at the back of my mind for years. It took my old friend, Nikki Giovanni, to act as catalyst for this. She had planned to edit a book of stories and essays and she asked me to contribute. I did by writing a piece called “The Code.” Although the book never came to fruition, that story ultimately launched me into writing the stories of The Mee St. Chronicles.


3. How is your book like or different from other memoirs?

Well, mine is about my battle to claim my life and my sexual identity. The fact is, “out” Black Lesbians are not crowding the field to write about their struggle to claim their lives with integrity in a world that often appears very homophobic. Of course, there’s Audre Lourde who wrote Zami years ago. And Alice Walker has written a short story or two about living in the life. My book is a different kind of memoir. I put myself out there on several fronts, including my battle with alcoholism. I tell it like it is.

4. Why should people buy your book? What does your book offer the reader?

They should buy because I tell powerful stories, exciting stories, stories that make you think and re-evaluate some issues. They should buy it because I offer the reader the chance to see and experience my naked feelings, conflicts, fears, and struggles. I get down to the nitty-gritty in The Mee St. Chronicles, and you get the chance to experience my trials and tribulations along with me. It will be exciting, funny, and heartbreaking. And it will never be dull.
Page 2 Q&A with Answers

5. Who are you targeting as readers?

There’s something for everybody—young and old, Straight & Gay, Black, Latina, White, people fighting addictions, people with the virus, people who know or don’t know about living Jim Crow in the South. My stories are stories about finding out who you are, about trying to make sense of your life, about learning how to get rid of the shame that binds you.

6. What have you learned about yourself as a result of writing this book?

I’ve learned that understanding who I am and finally not being ashamed of that was worth all the struggle. And I’ve learned that I really am a good writer whose work people like very much.


7. What inspired you to write this book? Why did you take the time and effort to write it not knowing whether you’d be published or not?

First, the act of creating pushed me forward. Writing quenched a lifelong thirst and filled a void because I began to honor and express the creative spirit within. Second, I wanted to preserve my memories by telling my stories. Memories are all about identity for me. And telling you who I am, through my memory stories, set me free. No more secrets to poison my spirit. And third, I thought that my stories might help to set many people free. Or at least put their feet on the road to freedom. Especially those who feel different and think they are cursed by that difference. These stories are to reassure them that they aren’t cursed. To encourage them to keep going no matter how bad things look or what others may say or do. To tell them they aren’t alone, that there’s somebody else who’s survived choosing the wrong road more than once, who’s fallen off the road several times, who’s lost the road completely, but who, in the end, has finally found her way.


8. What has been the greatest delight in your writing career so far?

Getting The Mee Street Chronicles written and published.

9. What writers have inspired you?

James Baldwin, Nikki Giovanni, Judith Ortiz Cofer, bell hooks, Stephen King.

10. Who has been the greatest influence in your life?

My pastor and friend, Archbishop Carl Bean. His work in and out of the pulpit continues to leave its mark on me.

11. What advice would you give to beginning writers?

Keep writing. Make time to write no matter what. Don’t give it up and don’t let anything or anybody stop you.

(end)

Order my book at Amazon or Borders Bookstores or at my publisher’s website under the book title or under my name, Frankie Lennon, at
www.Amazon.com< www.Borders.com
www.Kerlak.com

Friday, July 9, 2010

Excerpts from The Mee Street Chronicles: "Scotch on the Rocks"


Copyright 2007-All Rights Reserved

Introduction to "Scotch on the Rocks"


"What’s Goin On?" is a scene from the story, "Scotch on the Rocks" which is in my memoir,The Mee Street Chronicles. This story is about the first time I was confronted by an alcohol counselor about my drinking. Alcoholism is a serious disease. Most people are like I was. They don't know or understand that it is a disease. Before the drinker can get help to treat it, the drinker has to first acknowledge that alcohol is a problem. Then she or he has to be willing to get help. This story is about my attitude toward my drinking at that time of my life. And what happened after I was confronted about it.



"What's Goin On?"


The five o'clock crew at Allen's Lounge was off and running. The place buzzed like a busy hive. What's goin on? I heard Marvin Gaye ask over the chattering hum of the crowd. Home free! That's what's goin on, I answered in my head while situating myself on a barstool. No alcohol counselor and his stupid questions around here! I nodded hello to the regulars lining the bar like pigeons waiting for bread crusts. Behind the bar, Allen, tall as an ostrich and dark as bitter chocolate, counted bills and change to balance the cash register. Jay iced down the beer while Les, looking like a sad-eyed, basset hound, poured up half-dozen drink orders as Katie, the waitress, reeled them off.

I lit a cigarette and glanced up at the huge, lighted mirror in front of me. Scattered at tables, men in blue or gray work uniforms, just getting off from work at Whirlpool or Alcoa, drank quarts of Budweiser or shots of whiskey, smoked cigarettes, traded lies, hawked the women, and speculated on which one might want a just-for-tonight lover. The women, in bright colors, sat in groups of two's and three's, cutting their eyes at each other, whispering behind their hands, or throwing their heads back in noisy laughter. Most of them sipped pretty drinks—the kind I never had much use for—like Tom Collins or Tequila Sunrise, although some toyed with a glass of beer.

I caught Jay's eye and winked. He was a beauty. An x-rated honey-dripper. Cinnamon skin, thick eyelashes, naturally arched eyebrows, sculpted, full lips. And so good in bed that I could pretend my woman-jones didn't exist. Sometimes, all his sexiness and beauty triggered my inferiority complexes. At other times, my ego swelled with the idea that a sugah-lump like him had picked me to be his woman.

"What's up?" I asked as he came toward me

He shrugged, slapping a napkin on the counter. "Gonna be jumpin in here tonight. Allen's got me working the night shift, so I won't get by your place until 2:30. You want your usual? It's on me."

"Yeah, scotch on the—"

He finished it. "Rocks, lemon slice, water back."

"What else?" I smiled.

He grinned at me and started to pour. As he did, a voice hollered out.

"Give her another!" It was Sylvester sitting at the other end of the bar; he slammed two quarters down for Jay. I waved at Syl and nodded my thanks. He, in turn, lifted his shot glass ceremoniously in salute.

Jay put two drinks in front of me, went down the bar to collect for it, rang up the order, and trotted off to the john.

I shifted my sight to the mirror behind the bar. It ran the length of the wall. The bottles, in front of it, artfully arranged in stair-step fashion, caught my eye. Like ladies of the night displaying their wares to the highest bidder, the shimmering liquor winked and promised good times: Scotch in emerald green bottles, whiskey in topaz brown bottles, vodka and gin in diamond-clear bottles. I picked up my glass and sipped. Nothing like the first scotch of the day, I told myself while savoring the bitter, slightly oily taste of J & B.

A good feeling began to settle over me. But before the good feeling could make itself at home, out of nowhere, I heard the counselor ask: Do you want to quit?

Spooked, I glanced over my shoulder, frowning as I scanned the crowd. Was that asshole of an alcohol counselor in here? Did he follow me to Allen's? But, no. There were only Black folks here, getting down to some serious partying. I stared into the golden liquid in my glass. Do you want to quit? He’d asked me. An icy tremor passed through me. How could I give it up? My palms felt clammy and I wiped them together.

There'd been times when I'd thought about it. Especially when I'd come into Allen’s, and somebody at the bar would ask me if I remembered what I'd done the night before. I hated that question. It shamed me. They knew what I'd done, but I didn't. It was unnerving because a big, black hood had dropped down over my brain. What I'd done the night before was gone. Wiped clean. When someone asked me, I'd drop my eyes, afraid that I'd made a fool of myself. Afraid that somebody was going to rib me for it and I wouldn’t be able to, couldn’t play it off. How could I when last night was a bunch of empty pages scrolling in my head?

I pulled on my cigarette. Why couldn't I remember? What was happening? Maybe I should seriously consider quitting. But when that line of thought came to mind, I had to have a drink since thinking about quitting was unnerving. By the time I'd finished drinking and thinking, mother scotch had moved the whole idea to the back burner.

What's goin on? Marvin asked me, his voice fading on the last notes of the song. I took a long swallow of scotch, almost draining the glass as The Isley's kicked "Love the One You With" into high gear. It was then that the door swung open so hard that the hinges squeaked and sang. I turned my head to see who was coming in. There at the entrance stood Jay's wife—a harmless-looking, brown terrier with the soul of a war dog. For a millisecond, she was motionless; then, she swooped in.

Thank God, Jay was in the john. If she had come in a few minutes earlier, she'd have caught me sitting here carrying on with him. But she didn't need to catch me to know I was guilty. When Jay was here, nine times out of ten, I was, too. Marsha knew, like everybody else in Evansville, that I was Jay's sideline woman. It was a common practice. Husbands took lovers; wives looked the other way. Marsha didn't frequent the bars, so ordinarily Allen's Lounge was safe territory for me and Jay. But not, it seemed, today. In the mirror, I watched her double-timing it straight to me, her jaws tighter than Dick's hatband. She stomped up beside me and stopped, hand on her hip, glaring. Without looking at her, I lifted my glass to drink, weighing the threat of danger her presence signaled while cold sweat inched down my stomach.

"What the hell," she addressed me in ringing tones, loud enough for everyone to take notice, "do you think you're doin in here with Jay?"

At the sound of her voice, the bar's noisy crowd suddenly came to attention, slipping into the I-was-a-witness mode, drinks forgotten as eyes turned to watch local drama.

Marsha moved a step closer. "Ain't I tole you bout this shit before?"

Survival instinct screamed for me to get the hell out of the bar, but my feet had turned to concrete. Careful not to look her in the face, I took a drag on my Pell Mell and tapped some ashes off the tip.

She took the drama up a notch, playing to every person in the room. "I hope," she proclaimed, "you don't think I'ma jus sit back in some corner while you fuck around with my husband."

I could feel her breath on my neck. Was she going to jump me? My heart was thumping in time with the record's beat. Since I'd never been a fighter, I had zero confidence about myself when it came to fisty-cuffs, but if she made a move to beat my ass, would I just sit here and let her?

The crowd hung with bated breath on every word. She huffed and puffed for them. "I'ma tell you one more time to leave Jay alone."

I kept silent, gambling that she'd interpret my silence as browbeaten humiliation and leave me be.

She pronounced her final threat with a flourish. "Don't let me have to tell you bout this shit no more!" A dramatic pause, and then: "You hear me?"

The challenge hung in the air. Despite the fact that I was shivering in my boots, the smart-ass in me finally reared its head, ready to deliver me to the hangman's noose. I opened my mouth with the intention of sarcastically assuring Marsha that I had, indeed, heard her. But Jay glided up before I could say a word, and quickly steered her out of the bar.

(end)

Order my book at Amazon or Borders Bookstores or at my publisher’s website under the book title or under my name, Frankie Lennon, at
www.Amazon.com< www.Borders.com
www.Kerlak.com

Excerpts from The Mee Street Chronicles: "Predators"


Copyright 2007-AllRights Reserved

Introduction to "Predators" from The Mee Street Chronicles

The excerpt below is from the story, “Predators,” in my memoir, The Mee St. Chronicles: Straight Up Stories of a Black Woman’s Life. My memoir tells you stories about my battle to claim my own life and sexual identity. This story is about a time when I was living as a closeted Lesbian, masquerading as a heterosexual. The Anita Bryant campaign, which served as catalyst for what happened that day in the bar, was going full throttle in the 1970's. This is a story of how that noxious campaign affected me.

"Predators"

"Homosexuality is not a deviation; it is a variation. And people need to know that."
Peter J. Gomes, Minister


Allen's black and white television sat on a beer cooler in a corner behind the bar, and you couldn't really see it unless you were sitting almost on top of it. From where I usually sat at the bar, I could see it fine if it was on. Today it was, and I was watching Les build my drink when the CBS Evening News came on. The anchor, Walter Cronkite, always distinguished, always credible, opened with the story of the "Save Our Children" campaign. It had started a short while ago, Cronkite said, pausing to glance down at the sheaf of papers in his hand, with Anita Bryant and her organization pushing for Miami to repeal the city ordinance prohibiting discrimination against homosexuals.

As soon as the word homosexual rolled out of Cronkite's mouth in basso tones, everybody seemed to come to instant attention. I shifted my eyes away from Les to the television broadcast, feeling everything inside me go stock still, just like a rabbit that's caught the scent of danger in high grass.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Katie, the waitress, headed for the jukebox, but Cecil, sitting at a table behind me, stopped her.

"Wait up, " he said. "I wanna hear the news." Katie shrugged and backed off.

That was unusual. Watching the news got very low priority even when there were only a handful of us at Allen's, so my nerve endings went on alert. Plus, I'd heard about Bryant's campaign. Which in itself was enough to get anxiety skipping through my veins. The campaign was getting a lot of national play and in Evansville, people were paying attention. At the very least, conversations gave it a passing nod if not full blown commentary. Not long ago, a man that I'd thought was open-minded and liberal had stunned me.

“Anita Bryant is right,” he'd raged after I'd asked him what he thought about her campaign. “That scum should be hunted down and put in a concentration camp somewhere away from normal people.” I particularly remembered his eyes while he'd said it. They'd gone hard and black and lightless. It was his eyes that had frightened me the most. He'd shown me his Mr. Hyde face, a part of him that I didn't know. And that part had drawn a line of separation in the sand with me standing one side and him on the other although he didn't know it. Didn't know about Stacey, about my woman dreams, about the real me I kept chained in secret corners. Nobody here did.

Glancing around, I realized that only a couple of familiar faces, the regulars that made Allen's so comfortable for me, were here today. Clyde, on the barstool in the corner and John, next to him. The rest—Cecil, Sonny, Nance, Gloria, and Betty—came in less often. As always Les was behind the bar and Katie was waiting tables, but there were a few others that I didn't know. For some reason, without the regulars that I knew so well, Allen's felt less cozy, less like home. Was there a chill in the air? I pulled my cardigan sweater closer around my chest.

On camera, Cronkite reminded us that aside from being a Miss America runner-up, Anita Bryant was best known as spokeswoman for Florida orange juice commercials. Bryant had gotten famous for telling the television audience, "A day without Florida orange juice is a day without sunshine."

Now, I thought to myself, she'd switched to selling something else. Something dark. I could hear aggravated murmurs from Cecil and the other guys sitting at his table. I drew in a ragged breath. Keeping up my camouflage was harder with Anita Bryant stirring things up. Where was my drink? I glanced at Les; he was moving in slow motion.

Cronkite went to a film clip of Bryant at a Midwestern news conference. A newsman asked about her motives for the campaign. Surrounded by microphones, the dark-haired, former beauty queen beamed at the camera and opened her mouth to oblige.

"Since homosexuals cannot reproduce," she said, striking a tone of both sincerity and loathing, "they must recruit children to freshen their ranks. We must not allow them to continue."

I clinched my fist, furious, thinking: "How can she get away with saying a pure lie like that?"

Somebody, a woman's voice, growled: "One of them mess wit my baby and he gonna get his ass kicked!"

I blew out a frustrated breath. What Bryant was saying boiled down to a load of crap. You didn’t choose or get recruited like you were joining the army or some kind of club. You were born the way you were born.

I thought about Stacey and rubbed the palm of my hand across my lips. Nobody had recruited me into being attracted to women. Nobody had forced me to love her. That admission woke up The Corners, the place, at the back of my mind, where I'd vaulted my secrets. Like autumn leaves, they began to crackle and rustle. Which served to unnerve me even more than Anita Bryant. Mostly, I could keep them quiet and still as a tomb.

On screen, you could see the reporters scribbling furiously on their pads. Bryant was gabbing away, talking like she'd made some kind of a scientific study and was releasing the results.

It pissed me off that people put the rap on us for what pedophiles did. If you paid attention to your stats, or to what the neighborhood grapevine whispered about the husband down the street, you’d know that damn near all pedophiles were heterosexuals. To cover that up, folks muddied the water so that people would confuse pedophiles with homosexuals. But they weren’t the same at all.

I paid attention to the screen again. Why wasn’t somebody questioning Anita Bryant’s claims? The reporters were just standing there, eating it up like starving animals. That was the scary part. I lit a cigarette and I dragged my hand across my lips again. When Les put my drink down in front of me, I almost knocked it over grabbing for it.

One reporter finally asked Bryant a question. He wanted to know how she chose the name for her campaign. She put one white hand to her neck and looked earnestly into the camera's eye.

"We chose the name because we want to save our children by stopping these homosexuals. They're predators!"

(end)

Order my book at Amazon or Borders Bookstores or at my publisher’s website under the book title or under my name, Frankie Lennon, at
www.Amazon.com< www.Borders.com
www.Kerlak.com

Thursday, March 25, 2010

The Book of Days (A Journal) V: The Tape in My Head


Copyright 2010-All Rights Reserved

It was Rev. Carl Bean who first shined the light on the tape we carry in our heads. He was the one who told us about all it that particular Sunday.

The tape in my head. Everybody has one, I suspect. Some of us know about it and some don’t. After that sermon, I was able to find mine by the slimy trail of toxic shame it leaves inside me. I was especially able to find it through tracking down one overriding voice taped long ago and stored carefully in the crevices of my brain… the Auntie tape.

My tape comes from my past. From my childhood. Yours does, too, I imagine. Whatever the origin of yours, the tape now sits there in the dark of your brain… a nightmare ready to hunt you down and drive you crazy. It sits there waiting the optimum chance to click on automatically. (Or maybe yours is always running, its sound being just below the threshold of hearing.) Whichever it is, when the tape jumps into action, the sound blows into your brain at a screeching volume. It yells horrendous, soul-breaking things at you. Maybe yours doesn’t yell. Perhaps it whispers in a hypnotic tone. Perhaps it lectures you in a rational tone of voice. Whatever. It doesn’t matter, the debilitating, destructive effect on you and your life is the same.

Though I have other voices inside my head—the twelve monkeys being a notable example—these others don’t necessarily originate from one person or time in my past. The Auntie tape does. Whenever it finds an opportunity, the Auntie tape clicks on. The voice on the Auntie tape is ALWAYS unloving, severe, harsh, mocking. It beats me with its cat-o-nine tails, draws blood by reciting its standard list of my failings, shortcomings, and imperfections.

The tape in your head pounds away at you like a hammer determined to break your spirit down into hard little pebbles. It natters at you, telling you that you’re lower than the dust on the ground. That nobody will ever love you and if somebody does, you don’t deserve it. That you couldn’t touch the hem of so and so’s coat. That you’ll never be anything worthwhile. That you’ll never be happy and why bother to try since you don’t deserve to be anyway. That your life is and will always be hell—one long, grim struggle to keep going through a desolate landscape. It goes on and on until you’re ready to dive off a cliff or the nearest tall building to escape.

When I found out what was going on with my tapes, I looked at the effects on me. It had kept me blind and miserable.

Without my knowing or realizing, it had conned me with distorted thinking; it had deluded me into believing lies about myself and other people; it had tricked me into doing self-destructive things. And I had attracted people and things that were the same as I. But there is an antidote to the effects of the tapes, I found. I call them Mirror Affirmations.

I stand in the mirror, look myself in the eyes to fully “see” me and I say things like this:
I love you just as you are, Frankie.
You are a good looking woman: Beautiful inside and out.
It’s okay to be who you are—not perfect, but whole and good.
You’re lovable; I love you and other people do, too.
You deserve all of life’s good things.
You’re a precious and worthwhile human being.
I’m growing and sometimes that’s painful, but it will pass.



Sounds hokey. Sounds way too simple to work. It does though.

I wish I had known about it when I was younger. A lot younger. I think they might have saved me or helped me avoid falling in some nasty ditches and some hurtful quagmires. I never knew, when I was younger, that affirmations could change my reality—the reality that begins (and ends, really) inside me and that manifests itself outside of me. I never knew that I didn’t have to live up to or live out someone else’s evaluation, opinion, or expectations of me. I never knew that I needed to love myself before I could allow you to love me. And that if I didn’t love me, I’d do everything I could to make the tapes in my head become my life’s reality. Which, ultimately, could rob me of living a life of serenity, of joy, of hope, harmony and balance. But, I know now.

So now when the tape clicks on (or the volume goes up to blast-off level) in my brain, I remember what to do. I say one or several of my affirmations. If I have to first shout for the voice on the tape to shut up, I’ll do it. Then I say the affirmations I need. However many times I need to say them. Which shuts the tape off.

Too bad it isn’t permanent. But some ogres you have to vanquish over and over, I’ve learned. That’s just the way it is.

The Book of Days IV (A Journal) : Emotions



Copyright 2010- All Rights Reserved

Emotions. People don’t like to name emotions. Don’t like to talk directly about them. For example, nowadays, people say things like “She has feelings for him.” When I hear that, I want to ask…which feelings are you talking about? Although I’ve figured out that the word feelings is used as a synonym, most times, for the word love.

It annoys me when people aren’t direct about their feelings. I do understand that when you name them, you become vulnerable in a sense. Still, I have to ask: Are people afraid to name the emotion love? Maybe. Love is powerful, named or unnamed. It is a force to be reckoned with. But it’s a good force, I think. So why are we afraid of the good?

Last night, I read about feelings. A quote from John Bradshaw: “When out E-motions are not mirrored and named, we lose contact with one of our vital human powers.”

Yes. I understand why naming them is important. When you ignore them as if they didn’t exist, it can get you in trouble. They don’t like to be ignored or rendered invisible. The mirroring part of the quote I had to think about for a while. I think when my parents, my mother, to be exact, would not acknowledge ( read “mirror”) certain emotions I had when I was growing up, it did some not-good things. For one, it can make you crazy when your caregiver doesn’t acknowledge/mirror/validate that you have feelings whether those feelings are “approved of” or not.

The point is not to approve of them, I think. The point is to acknowledge. Without shaming or negative judgement. What I remember is being told that certain feelings, like anger or dislike, were “inappropriate.” The message was that I had no right to feel the way I did because my mother didn’t approve of a particular feeling that I was feeling. Situations like that are shaming. What happens is that emotion gets hooked into the shame feeling so you struggle not to feel it because the shame part eats you alive.

I read once that emotions have no label in actuality. That we label them “good” or “bad” and in all the places in between. I read that emotions simply exist and we weigh them down with the baggage of our experiences. The weight that we give them translate into the labels. But those labels are false faces. A mask. Or perhaps a delusion.

Anyway.
I didn’t know that our emotions are vital powers. What a fascinating thing to contemplate. How can emotions be powers? Much less “vital” powers. Power is a force, energy. Synonyms for “vital” are: vibrant, life-supporting, invigorating, alive, indispensable. If emotions give us fuel to act then I suppose they are powerful. This makes me think of emotions as powerful “magic.” Is that possible? I don’t know, but why not?

Also I read that emotions—for instance, sadness, fear, guilt, shame, joy, anger—give us fuel to act.” Power, again. Energy. Fuel. Propulsion. Do we act from the fuel of emotions? Well, it’s easy to point to anger and say that it fueled my actions. But what about guilt? What about shame? What kinds of behaviors do those things fuel in me? In us?

Many people think of feelings, of emotions as things that make you weak, vulnerable, leaving you without defense. Or they think of emotions as things uncontrollable, or things needing to be controlled and tamed… wild things. Things needing to be imprisoned.

But if emotions are powers—vital powers, then they shouldn’t be imprisoned. If emotions are vital powers… life-giving, invigorating powers, then they are gifts, it seems to me.

What do you think?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Family Album 2


Copyright 2009-All Rights Reserved

Paternal Grandparents


Martha J. Samuel Hunt Lennon (1869 - 1948)

My paternal grandmother was born in Georgia and became a teacher. This was no everyday feat for her time. Getting an education was a big accomplishment for Black people. We were just out of slavery, after all. The Klan was on the horizon; White Supremacy (the mother of racism) still beat in the bosom of White America, and the American South’s economic shambles (due to the Civil War) screamed for cheap (or free) labor. The threat of bondage (of one kind or another) loomed over the heads of many, if not all, Black people at the time of my grandparents. For a woman to get an education was gigantic achievement. Other factors aside, Black women—women in general didn’t strike out in the world to be independent and be self-supporting… do whatever they wanted, whatever fulfilled them. That time was yet to come. In the mid-1960’s to be exact.

I was told that she was married twice. My uncle Frank, the oldest of her three children, was the child by her first marriage and my father and my uncle Madison were her children by her second marriage. The second marriage was to George Henry Lennon, Sr. in 1906. They stayed married until he died in 1926. Grandmama outlived him by 22 years. But I only knew her for a too-short four.

Grandmama, I remember, was the color of macaroon cookies. I have a couple of pictures of her. One as a young woman, standing with my grandfather. When I look at the young woman picture, I can see a woman with Native American features. With piercing eyes and smooth, flawless skin. She has on no jewelry at all. But she is a beauty, no doubt, stylish with her long hair swept up into a pompadour, wearing a duster coat over a blouse with a high, lace neck. But mostly, I see I can see myself in her. I inherited her mouth, the full lower lip, via Daddy, her son. The other picture is Grandmama as I knew her. As an old woman. She stands, short, fragile-looking, in the yard of her house. She has on a print dress. She holds her hands, clasped together, in front of her. She is wearing glasses. When I look at that picture, I remember that she steadied me, calmed me. And I still feel her love.

Sometimes, I think I remember that my parents and I lived at Grandmama’s house before we moved into the Meet Street house. Her house, like an old-fashioned, Victorian gingerbread home, seemed to be clutching for dear life at the face of a steep hill. The street itself, either Church or Temple Street, was hilly like others in Knoxville, Tennessee. To reach the front door of her house, you had to climb endless, concrete steps that shot upward at what I thought was a vertical angle. I was afraid of those steps and I climbed them carefully, holding my mother’s hand, making sure not to look back and down, else I would surely fall and fall and fall down into the mouth of the earth.

The rooms weren’t big inside her home. And I remember the house being dark. Probably because light fixtures and lamps weren’t strategically placed as a regular part of a home’s floor plans like today. In the dining room, which had a fireplace like the parlor did, there were sparkling lead crystal objects and do-dads that teased my eyes; there was red and pink hand-painted china, and an all-glass china cabinet which Mama and Daddy inherited after Grandmama’s death. The tiny parlor had furniture that was dark cherry or black walnut. And there was a bay window, I remember, which faced the street. I loved that window, in fact, still love bay windows today simply because I associate them with Grandmama. There was no central heating then, so you had fire places in every room or pot-bellied stoves where you built a wood or a coal fire. In Grandmama’s house, the pot-bellied stove was in the kitchen. I remember her stoking the fire, shoving in kindling (wood sticks) and cautioning me to stay well clear of it. A few years ago, when I was awarded a writing fellowship to Hedgebrook Writer’s Residence, I had a pot-bellied stove in my cabin. Learning how to build and keep a fire going was a new, a fascinating experience for me. It reminded me of Grandmama’s house.

Two strong memories of Grandmama stand out in my mind. That I played in her kitchen though she never complained about me being under foot. If I close my eyes, I can see the pot-bellied, black stove in the middle of the floor and I can see, standing against one wall, her old-fashioned, white enamel stove…one that cooked food, not with gas or electricity, but with coal or was it wood? I can see her washing dishes at the sink by the back door. I associate her kitchen—and always will—with the smell of yeast that came from her homemade rolls baking in the oven. The other memory is seeing her at Sunday morning church services. That was when our church was East Vine Methodist Church. She always sat four rows from the front on the right side. I’d ask Mama if I could go sit with her. And having got permission, I’d run down the aisle from the back where Mama and I sat to scoot in and plop myself down next to her. She’d hug me, squeeze me. And I’d be content then. Just to be near her. She made me know I was someone very special and very precious to her. It is a feeling I have never forgotten.

George Henry Lennon, Sr. (1866-1926)

Born a year after the Civil War, my grandfather, Grandmama’s second husband, came into the world in Bladenboro, North Carolina. He was a Methodist minister. This meant that the family moved a lot because Methodist preachers traditionally never stayed very long at one church. I didn’t know my grandfather. He died well before I was born… before my parents’ marriage even.

I don’t know anything about him but there is a picture. It’s the one with Grandmama. They are young and looking straight into the camera’s eye. Neither is smiling, but they aren’t frowning either—rather they look intense and serious. Granddaddy’s is a dark-skinned man, sporting a moustache and wearing a dark, Edwardian style coat over a neat, white shirt and dark bow tie.

He holds his head just slightly titled to the right in posing for the camera… just the same as Daddy did when he posed for a photo… and as I do now. I have to consciously stop myself from doing the tilting thing when I pose for a picture. I always wondered where I got that habit from. Now, I know. I’ve got some of Grandaddy’s features, too. My eyelids, my hairy eye brows, my oval-shaped face, and my African broad nose. Looking at the picture gives me a sense of belonging to a tribe. I have some folks…some peeps!And I wonder what nations, what tribes of Africa birthed him…birthed us.


Friday, April 3, 2009

The Retrospective Series- 3: Banging Our Own Drum, An Excerpt from "Banging Our Own Drum"

Copyright 1978-All Rights Reserved

Author's Note: This is an excerpt from my first published writing. The editor asked me to write it for a community magazine when I was living in Evansville, Indiana. All the pieces published on my blog under "The Retrospective Series" are pieces I wrote years ago. You'll be able to tell when by the copyright dates.

Banging Our Own Drum

John W. Vandercook, in his book, Tom-Tom, said: "A race is like a man; until it uses its own talents, takes pride in its own history, loves its own memories, it can never fulfill itself completely."

Black people must explore and keep alive our own cultural heritage. This heritage must be passed on to our children so they, in turn, can pass it on to their children. It's been said that Culture is nothing if it's not communicated. By handing down our cultural traditions, we understand our common desires, values, strengths, fears, and hopes. We discover how much we share--our views about good and evil, what is just and what is unjust, what is sensible and what is ridiculous, what is valuable and must be guarded with care, what is vain or pompous and needs discarding...what moves us to joy or to grief, to laughter, to rage...what leaves us cold and unmoved... what fires us up.

Through our traditions, our cultural legacy, we find the key to our common identity and our humanity. We must pass our heritage on...because it is there that we find the image and reflection of ourselves. It is there that we find our history, our memories--which can lead us to self-love, rather than self-hate. It is there that we can find something denied and lost for so long: pride in being Black.

Writing Series: Fear of Creating/Writing

Copyright 2009-All Rights Reserved

Fear of Writing/Creating: Finding Your Footing

"Walking in the dark is like writing. When I first came to Hedgebrook, I was afraid to go out after dark. I feared many things--bogeymen, monsters, some psycho with a grudge against women writers, even the other women who I thought might be psychos in disguise--but mostly, it was just not being able to see that bothered me.

"I wanted to confront my fear so after a while, I ventured out at night, first in a group and then by myself, wielding my flashlight as a weapon against the dark. I didn't go far from my cottage-- to the bathhouse and back again. One night I got very brave and turned off my flashlight. I stumbled at first, but then found my footing. I felt the gravel beneath me and I knew I was on the path. I followed it to the bend by the pond. Then I felt for the softness of grass. If I stepped on a bush, I knew I'd gone wrong, or, I was about to forge a new route home. I realized I'd become too reliant on seeing and less reliant on feeling.

"When I quit panicking, I knew the way. Just like when I'm writing, I have some instinctive sense of where I'm going even if I can't see beyond the blank screen. I've walked this path before. My imagination has gone ahead of me and charted the way. If I pause and listen, i can hear her footsteps on front, guiding me. If I listen even closer, I can hear other footstpes of the writers who have come before me and the writers, like you, who are still to come.

"We are not alone in the woods groping in the dark. We are wlking on paths that have been walked on a thousand times before. We are saying things for the first time that have been said a thousand times before."

from Hedgebrook Waterfall Journal #5, Lynn Dixon

Writing Series: Thoughts about Writing

Copyright 2009-All Rights Reserved

About Writing

"Writing is like going on a journey to find something one dreams of. It is like crossing a mangrove to reach the sea [going through] its entangled roots, its pools of briny water and its many layers of mud. It is like mapping a dark and rebellious land.

by Maryse Conde, a Guadeloupean writer of the African diaspora

"I live in my head a lot. Sometimes, when I'm in bed, I lie there in the dark and when I get a thought, I come into my den and put a few lines into paragraphs and let whatever grows out of that come. Eventually, I will have a page. And then, eventually, two pages. I write every day, as a matter of fact.

by Sidney Poitier, actor, from an interview in AARP magazine, September and October, 2008


"Fiction begins with a crisis, from which future action grows."

by Kathy Krajcous, Lighthouse Writing Tips

"If you allow yourself not to write when you don't want to, the writing will naturally bubble up, all the more powerfully in its own time.... Never force yourself to write. and never force yourself to write one thing when you feel the urge to write something else."

from Waterfall Journal #6, Hedgebrook writer, Susan Kiyo-Ito


Friday, September 12, 2008

Storyteller II: The Journey, A Story of Humankind

Copyright 2008- All Rights Reserved

Most stories we love are essentially those that tell us about someone else’s journey. Human beings love stories that tell about struggles, challenges, dangers on the road of life. We love to go on the adventure to witness the battles, the hardships, the ordeals that somebody fights through to get that prize (an object, a fortune, a person, freedom, knowledge, maturity, love etc.), the“treasure” at the end that’s worth all the hell endured. We love these stories because we want to know what the story’s main character did to make it through. We’re curious about how somebody climbed over the hurdles, vanquished the monsters, and outsmarted the villains--how that somebody ended up with the “treasure” sought after and hard won. It’s an age-old story line. There are many, many variations on this theme.

When I teach this age-old, universal theme in a literature class, I tell my college students that it shows itself in cultures worldwide. They may not be interested, but I find it to be fascinating that we, no matter who we are, tell this story again and again to ourselves, and that we’ve told it for ages. In literature, we call this theme The Quest or The Journey. Journey stories portray, in a straightforward or symbolic way, the very basic human experiences that give us the following message over and over again: Life is a journey of various stages, each having its own problems to be overcome, but each with its own potential rewards.

The Quest is a story… about adventure, about self-discovery, about possibilities and transformation. It’s a story that tells us to have faith and hold on… that tells us it really is possible to triumph over the things inside us that would cripple or restrict us…that it really is possible to triumph over forces outside of ourselves that would stop us cold. Just have faith and hold on. Because it’s not the treasure at the end, it’s the treasure you get for going. It’s the treasure you get from facing what happens along the way: when you struggle, wrestle with the problem that seems so big and bad that you think it’s gonna eat your ass up; it’s the treasure you get when the questions in your head make you unsure of yourself and the choices you’re making. Do I really want to do this? You say to yourself when things get hairy. Isn’t there an easier, softer way? You start to wonder when those ordeals show up to kick your ass. The thing is: It’s not the destination but the journey that matters. And it will change you. Because The Journey tests you. Transforms you. Defines who you are because of the choices you make as you travel your road. The Journey, then, becomes the real treasure. It’s the means by which you’ve been changed. And, to me, that’s what counts: change, growth, taking your life up to another, a new level.

One of my favorite stories about The Journey is a movie trilogy, Lord of the Rings. In the first installment, The Fellowship of the Ring, the main character, Frodo undertakes a journey to return the evil ring of power to the place of its origin in order to destroy it. Frodo volunteers to go. He has an inkling that The Journey will be hard, but I don’t think he realizes, from the outset, how difficult—how frightening and full of challenges it will turn out to be. In legend and in real life, Journeys always are, but that’s the point of The Journey--to go through it and learn from it, to be transformed by it, and to bring back “the treasure” which will benefit others in some way. Traditionally, in The Quest, the Journeyer needs these three qualities above all because The Journey takes you on a treacherous, long, and really hard road of trials: persistence, courage, and insight. And I can see that you would need these things, yet there’s another thing I think you need. The Journeyer has to be willing to go. Sometimes willingness, I think, is even more essential than courage on life’s Journey. If you aren’t willing, you won’t answer when life calls you to put your foot on the road. Willingness is the better part of persistence, pushing you forward so you’ll follow through, instead of giving up when those hurdles, those obstacles, tests, and ordeals show up. Don’t get me wrong. The Journey does require courage. (Courage, not just bravery; being brave isn’t quite enough. It’s courage that sends you into the lion’s den when you’re scared to death.) And you need insight, as well, to figure out things and people that you come across along the way.

Frodo is willing and does answer the call. Then, as things get really hard, because The Journey is always a hard thing to do, Frodo doesn’t want to keep going after he loses Gandoff, his mentor and guide. At that point, the Elf queen tells Frodo—who is now questioning his purpose, confused about whether to continue, and grieving the loss of Gandoff—that because the world depends on him to do this task, which is his and his alone, it won’t get done if he doesn’t complete it. That he is the Ring Bearer, but he must be willing to go. To do it. No one else can.

Now, that’s a scary thing to tell somebody…that the world is depending on you to do something that nobody else in the world can do because this task is yours alone. Wow. You better find some willingness, some courage, some persistence behind that heavy message. And you better find it fast. That is, if you’re going. Somehow though, most of us human beings look inside and find the qualities we need to take our journey. That’s a good thing because nobody else can be us, can travel our road, can complete our individual tasks. The story of The Journey encourages us to go ahead, to have faith that we can do it—whatever it is. To hang in there and do whatever it is we’re supposed to do. Because nobody else can.

I am always inspired by this universal theme called The Journey. It was Joseph Campbell, the scholar, who, some years ago, originally discovered the worldwide presence of this thematic motif in his studies of cultural myths; Campbell defined The Journey’s purpose in human society, breaking it down into stages with identifiable characters who play essential roles. I never tire of rediscovering the power of this story and I never tire of sharing my understanding of it. I invite you to look at the story of humankind through a universal lens called The Journey. It is outlined for you below.

The Journey (The Quest)
Purpose:

To answer the challenge, complete The Quest, to restore the ordinary world’s balance.
To meet difficult tests, ordeals which are part of life; to learn, to grow from them, and, ultimately, change because of these experiences, then bring back the gift or “treasure” earned and share the “treasure” with others.
A story of a heroine/hero who must separate from the ordinary, familiar world to travel on a difficult journey that promises to transform her/his life.

People on The Journey:

The Journeyer (heroine/hero) – person who needs to learn something and who will undertake hardships and sacrifice to answer the challenge of The Journey and complete it.

The Herald – something or someone appears announcing/implying the coming of significant change and issuing a challenge, problem, quest, or adventure.

Mentor/ Guide - Mentor is a wise person (or animal in fables) who provides guidance and knowledge to the Journeyer, usually gives “magical” or special gifts or advice for The Journey ahead.

Helpers, Allies – Help the Journeyer learn the rules of this “new” world.

The Other/Alter Ego – Mirrors the Journeyer in some way by representing/symbolizing our darkest desires or rejected qualities about self, or our untapped resources/abilities, or the “best” in self. This Other can be “good” or “bad.” The Other mirrors the Journeyer and meeting this person is crucial to the Journeyer who must decide to either recognize and acknowledge, to claim or not claim this part of self. If the Journeyer does not claim it, his/her growth, change/transformation cannot take place. And the quest fails.

Stages of The Journey:

Home- the known, familiar, safe haven of the everyday world of the Journeyer before the “story” begins.

The Call – A herald presents the Journeyer is presented with problem, challenge, quest, adventure to undertake to earn a reward/ “treasure.” (Journeyer may not know what the “treasure” is or that a “treasure” can be gotten.) The call can be accepted or refused. (Refusal of The Call - If Journeyer refuses call, the reason is usually fear. The call then comes again later.)

Meeting the Mentor –Journeyer meets a mentor/teacher/guide to get training & advice, to learn new skills for The Journey, to gain confidence in abilities to undertake The Journey.

The Threshold (Crossing) – The Journeyer crosses the gateway that separates the ordinary world from the special, “different” and, “new” world. This crossing tests & questions the Journeyer’s commitment The Journey and whether she/he can succeed.

Tests/Road of Trials – This stage challenges the skills, powers, abilities of the Journeyer who must undergo a series of tests. These serve as preparation for the greater ordeal yet to come. Stakes are heightened by the Journeyer confronting challenges, tests and enemies, by setbacks, hardships endured and dangers encountered by these tests. Because of setbacks, Journeyer may need to reorganize strategy or rekindle morale with help of allies and helpers.

Final Ordeal – Central trial/ life/death crisis; The Journey teeters on the brink of failure. The Journeyer faces her/his biggest fear, confronts the most difficult challenge and experiences symbolic “death.” Only through the "dying" of her/his old self can the Journeyer be reborn. “Rebirth” or change/transformation grants The Journeyer greater insight, wisdom, “power” to see the Journey to the end.

Reward/Treasure -The Journeyer has overcome her/his biggest fear, confronted the most difficult challenge, survived death, now earns reward. Reward is the “treasure” earned/sought. Could be an object, or knowledge, “gift,” a blessing, or love that will now be put to use in the everyday world the Journeyer will return to. Often it will have a restorative or healing function but it also serves to define the hero’s role in her/his society.

Transformation- Journeyer is changed by experiences of The Journey and returns to ordinary world with the “power” (knowledge, gift, wisdom, skills, etc.) to be a boon to others.

Monday, April 28, 2008

L.A. Observations Series 4 & 5

Copyright 2008-All Rights Reserved

L.A. Observations 4: Adventures in Downtown Los Angeles

It’s April twenty-fourth and I’m on my way downtown. The day is warm and inviting. Just right for wandering around downtown to shop.

I leave from Los Angeles Trade Tech Community College (where I teach) and head west on Washington Boulevard to get Dash Bus F (the Financial District bus) which will take me north on Figueroa to get to Dash Bus E which will take me to the Fashion District, my destination. The bus comes quickly. The driver gives me the free transfer I ask for after I pay my twenty-five cents and I sit behind him on the long seat that allows me to look back, forward and out the windows.

On the bus, I settle down to observe the sights and people. At one stop, a brother who’s dressed like he’s a "stone playa" from the wilds of Ohio or Indiana gets on. He’s wearing a casual suit, checked pants topped by a matching top and sporting a wide-brimmed black hat with a little feather in the band; he has the requisite cell phone plastered to his ear which identifies him as “urban-cool.” He sits in the back with a couple of other brothers. They begin a conversation about gangbanging.

I tune them out and think about the style of clothing the brother is wearing. It reminds me of the way the guys dressed in Evansville and The Midwest years ago. For some reason, a lot of these brothers like to wear what I call, for lack of a better descriptive term, “the pimp suit.” This style, cut very much like the Zoot Suit of old, requires that the suit pants be very roomy and the coat hit a couple of inches above a man’s thigh. Color and design varies. Striking, bold colors are mostly the rule. Designs range from solid colors to checks, stripes, and pinstripes. I remember that a couple of T.V. celebrity brothers favor this kind of suit. Maybe that’s why it’s popular.

As I glance around at the other riders, I notice the way others are dressed. A Latina of middle age sits just across from me. She has cellophane red streaks in her dark, long hair. In my mind, the color gets labeled Day-Glow Red. She is busy chatting in Spanish with another Latina. I notice her black blouse, short straight skirt, and wedge heels. Her blouse is see-thru black chiffon with shiny black and white sequins in the shape of flowers that give the blouse its peekaboo effect. I glance at the others aned a blonde woman near me catches my eye; she compliments me on my earrings. I smile and thank her.

At 7th and Figueroa, I get off at the Metro station. People in business suits, cutoffs, casual wear bustle and hustle this way and that. I walk a couple of blocks east toward Macy’s where I’ll pick up my next bus. But I’m suddenly hungry and I spy a Coffee Bean on my way. I duck inside and gaze at the baked goodies under glass. Bran and Blueberry and Cinnamon Muffins. Brownies without icing. And there---giant chocolate chip cookies. I order one, pay the tab, and munch down as I walk out. It’s delicious and I munch happily, squelching guilt feelings that try to gather to attack me.

I go in for a quick look around in Macy’s Plaza. It’s so seldom I get downtown. December was the last time I was at Macy’s Plaza. Unlike last time, now, I see summer clothes being hawked in larger-than-life banners on the stops and in the store windows. Inside the plaza, the flower sellers have set out their wares for sale. Along the corridor going toward Macy’s they’ve put giant orange sunflowers, red roses, yellow daffodils, and bunches of purple flowers that I don’t know. My eyes are drawn to the colors, drink them in, wanting to take me in for a close up. But I resist. No buying flowers today. I’m on a mission to buy a hat, belt, and neck purse. The neck purse hangs around my neck. People use neck purses for all kinds of things: to hold cigarettes, money, ID, credit cards, and cell phones. I’ll use mine to hold my eyeglasses.

A store catches my eye. It looks like the kind that would “trap” tourists or people looking for gifts. I decide to browse inside it for a few minutes mainly because I’m intrigued by the toy animals in the window. Among others, there’s a brown chipmunk and a white furry cat. A toy gray dog wags its tail, moves forward and backward, and barks in a cage that resembles the kind that you see in pet stores. I watch the little dog wondering about how it moves. With some mechanical thing inside it, obviously. I go inside. At the back of the store, high up on a shelf, I see a huge lion. It almost looks real, as if it’s lolling on the plain under the African sun. I think about asking how much it is because I have a very good friend whose astrological sign is Leo. It would be a kick to deposit it on her floor as a surprise. As big as it is, the lion would scare the hell out of her. I chuckle at the thought. She wouldn’t chuckle though. No, sir. Besides, she lives in another city and I’d have to ship it to her. It would be an expensive “joke.” So I pass. I can use my coins in a better way. I drift around the store, looking at greeting cards, purses, jewelry, toys for a while. It’s good to let my mind wander, to let myself drift “off the clock.” The clock is a dictator that I’ve let take over my life. Right now, I’m letting myself stop to smell the coffee, pick the roses, and enjoy the day.

Twenty minutes later, I catch the bus for the Fashion District outside of Macy’s Plaza. As I ride east on 7th, I notice shops and people and buildings. On Grand, there’s a tall building with a rooftop garden, I notice. It startles me when I see the little trees sprouting up from the roof. It startles me because I didn’t think Los Angeles was doing that kind of thing. I knew that in downtown Chicago there were gardens on roofs in an effort to counteract air pollution and other things we’ve done to poison ourselves and the earth. But L. A., I’d thought, keeps missing opportunities to do things to become “green.” The little garden tells me that I’m wrong and I’m glad to be.

Downtown Los Angeles reminds me of Manhattan. Dirty sidewalks. Lots of buildings. Monoliths. Crowded together. Tall, sparkling new buildings. Old buildings---grand dames, sporting Art Deco design. Hotels. Office buildings being constructed. Restaurants, coffee shops, eateries looking like they’ve been shoved into holes in the wall. I see Subway, Starbucks, Corleone’s Pizza. Then, at Los Angeles Street, the bus turns. We’re going south now. You can see the signs that you’re in the Fashion District already. Shops. Everywhere. Dingy, small, cramped. Whatever is being sold inside them is displayed outside to lure us in.

Textile shops lure us first. Outside the shop, top of the line, luxurious fabric—linens, brocades, silks—are displayed next to bottom of the line cheap stuff. “Come on in. I’ll make you a deal,” it beckons to us. I think about my friend, Kellii who loves to sew. She’d be in heaven around all this fabric.

Men’s clothing shops next. In the windows and outside, there are manikins posed with hands in pockets wearing pimp suits in so many colors—gold, green, white, beige—shirts and ties are in coordinating shades. The suited manikins seem to say, “I’m so cool. Wear me and you will be, too.” Salesmen lurk about the entrance, waiting to pounce on whoever passes. I wonder if they’re paid on commission.

I pull the cord and get off at Olympic Boulevard. As I walk east on Olympic, the first thing that catches my eye, of course, are the shops that showcase jewelry and accessories. I have such a weakness for baubles, bangles, and beads. I slip inside a shop filled to bursting with earrings, watches, rings, bracelets, belts—all glitter and no gold, but who cares? Earrings hang in rows on the walls. Small ones. Medium ones. The large ones intrigue me because I love large earrings. Light catches in the prisms of the stones. The false-stoned earrings wink at me seductively—especially the chandelier babes. I lick my lips looking at them, wishing I could buy and wear them all. I resist the temptation. Earrings are not what I’ve come for, I tell myself and march out the door.

On the corner, a pale-skinned goth boy dressed in deep black with orange hair shouts at passersby, “Hey, anybody got a fucking cigarette?”

People pay him no mind. I don’t either as I cross the street, looking for a particular accessories shop that carries the rhinestone baseball caps I want to buy. In a few minutes, I find it and go in, heading straight for the back of the shop. At the back, I see rows and rows of hats—all kinds, baseball, cowboy, sailor. The hats are colorful, made of fabric and straw decorated with appliqués, rhinestones, bands, feathers, etc. I find my preference and try on several rhinestone baseball caps in acqua, rose, lime, dark green, pink. I notice two, older White women that I take to be “Red Hat Ladies.” They are shopping for wide-brimmed hats in red with purple accents. Their arms are filled with other kinds of hats as well. At the counter, I pay for my hats while admiring a huge variety of displayed rhinestone reading glasses. Out I go. On to the next place that wants to relieve me of my money.

I browse on Santee Street until I find another interesting looking accessories shop. It looks to be specializing in belts and handbags. Their merchandize is exotic and unique to me. Shelves and shelves of handbags of every texture, hue and design decorated with stones, beads, lace, and appliquéd flowers. Walls of belts that sparkle, shimmer, and shine. I find the little neck purses that I want and a white belt with big, clear stones. The saleswoman who takes my purchases asks for ID to validate my credit card. When she sees my last name, she asks me if I’m kin to John Lennon. I smile and shake my head, used to the little witticism that I’ve heard most of my life. The only thing that surprises me is that she is Asian and very young, too young to know who John Lennon was, I would think. Guess not, though. He was a celebrity, after all. And if there’s one thing we can be sure of, even if they don’t know history, young people know celebrities.

Pleased with my purchases, I leave the store. Outside, I check my watch and decide to head toward the bus stop. I’ve enjoyed people-watching and bus riding. Plus, it’s been a good afternoon to shop. I’ve found what I wanted and the prices were right.

What more could I woman ask?

(end)

L.A. Observations 5: Paradigm Shift



The world has changed. Global Warming. Energy Crisis. High Gas Prices. This stuff is not going to go away. A paradigm shift is in the driver’s seat.

What's a paradigm shift? A paradigm shift is a change from one way of thinking to another; it’s a revolution, a transformation and it’s driven by agents of change.

Think about it. A paradigm shift introduced the personal computer and the internet. Two things that have made an impact on our personal and business lives in multiple, myriads of ways. Used to be that you’d write letters to be delivered by the post office. Now, you email. Used to be that I’d go to the library to research jobs and find special kinds of information; or I’d use the Yellow Pages to find out what household services were available, where to purchase a mattress for my bed. Now, I do all that via the internet. Which also lets you do your taxes, apply for Social Security, get a college degree, balance your check book, and pay your bills. All via the internet. Foreclosures on Homes. Jobs Disappearing. Wall Street Collapsing. The Economy Crisis. People are pretty scared right now. Times are uncertain. We’re going to have to make adjustments. Learn how to do things in new ways.

Observation: Buses, People and Walking Home. The buses in Los Angeles are crowded nowadays. Very. You’d think that people would be cranky and rude. Not necessarily.

I’ve found that bus people can be polite and considerate. You’d think otherwise when people are smooshed together, standing wherever there’s a smidgen of room, lining the aisles, clutching overhead rails to keep balance. A young, Black woman offered me a seat the other day as I climbed the front steps, thanking God that this sardine-packed bus had stopped to let me on. She motioned to me to take her seat and I took it gratefully. There is, I see, something to be said for graying hair and telltale lines on the face. Other standing bus people made room for mothers with children and folks with walking canes. It was a gratifying sight. I’d all but lost hope when it comes to social graces like politeness and consideration in 21st century urban settings.

Crowded bus have meant that the drivers have taken to passing people up at the bus stops. I can understand why when your passengers are so numerous that when you do pick them up, they’re packed like sardines from front to back, standing right at your shoulder as you drive the city streets.

Not long ago, I stood and waited on Adams Boulevard outside of Mount Saint Mary’s Doheny Campus in 90 degree heat for a bus to take me home. Two of them passed me by. One at 12:30 p.m. and one at 1 p.m. Since buses had been passing me up more or less (mostly more) for most of the month of September, I had begun to follow Plan B in order to get home. Plan B is, simply put, start walking when a bus passes you up. So, by the time the 1 p.m. bus trundled by, I had made it to the Vermont and Adams bus stop—quite a few blocks away from where I’d started out. That day, I never saw another bus going west on Adams the whole time I was walking home. I made it home in 60 minutes.

Now, I’m in pretty good shape. But the heat and the distance were, to say the least, something that I don’t want to have to deal with every time I have to come to work at Mt. Saint Mary’s three times a week. And the bus service is so uncertain that I don’t want to take the chance. So I have started driving to work again after two years.

I hear that the reason the buses are late, crowded and passing people by is because they’ve taken 40 of them off the fleet. Gas prices warrant a cut in services, the reasoning goes. I can understand when a crowded bus passes me up, but right now, I am not a happy camper. The thing is… how are we to go “green,” to cut back on energy use, to change the way we drive if there’s no public transportation for us to substitute our cars for? Why should I vote to yes in November for a proposition that will fund public transportation projects that supposedly will help Angelinos park their cars, save energy, help sustain the environment when the folks in charge of public transportation aren’t taking care of business right now?

It’s frustrating because I want to park my car and take the bus. But who has the time or stamina to walk to destinations that are far apart? So. I’m back in my car. But for how long? Gas prices may go down for a moment, but I know they’ll shoot back up again. Higher than before. Then what?

Observation: Cell Phones, Conversations, Driving. Change permeates our lives. We’re no longer a mechanistic, manufacturing, industrial society. Now, we’re service-based and information-centered. We’re moving at an accelerated rate of speed. Technology seems to push us to go faster and faster. It’s the monster tsunami that rushes in, grabs hold to pull/push our lives, my life, in directions we/I can’t imagine.

We’re going fast. Very fast. With Cell phones in our hands.

The other day, as I sat in the waiting room at the University of Southern California Dental Hygiene Clinic, a heavy-set white man pulled out his cell phone, pushed a button and proceeded to talk to somebody in a tone of voice loud enough to reach Washington, D.C. I looked up from the book I was reading, an annoyed look on my face, and checked the man out. He seemed oblivious to the attention his loud conversation was drawing from me and other people in the crowded waiting room. He went ahead with his conversation and clicked off when he was through. Oblivious. Clueless.

My question is this. Why do I have to listen to somebody’s loudly intrusive and utterly boring conversation in public? Privacy. Is it a thing of the past?

When things like this happen—and they happen all too frequently—I inevitably wonder why somebody would think I’d want to listen to their personal and/or business conversation? It just puzzles me when people do that. Is it because they feel insignificant, invisible even and wish to make statements that say: Look at me. Listen to me. Whether you want to or not, I demand it. This kind of behavior makes me hate the use of cell phones in public where the user feels obligated to disregard other people and shout out a conversation on the phone.

The other thing about cell phones is that I also fear them…being used behind the steering wheel, I mean. People are already acting/feeling crazy on the road…in too big a hurry… angry and ready to use their cars as weapons…multitasking and defocused. Add a cell phone to the mix and there’s your big trouble. In California, unless both hands are free to drive, it’s against the law to use it. But that doesn’t solve problem of driving while talking on a cell phone.

The problem is that you really can’t focus on talking on the phone and driving at the same time. Driving requires focus, keeping a sharp eye out for: the pedestrian who darts out in the street between cars or after the light has changed… the car that comes tailgating at you out of nowhere… the driver that floors the accelerator to run the yellow-red light at the intersection. Using a cell phones when you’re driving is just dangerous. Period.

(end)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Knoxville Remembered Series: Sports or The Curse of the Flying Ball

Copyright 2008-All rights Reserved

When I was growing up, there was one pool in Knoxville where Black people could learn to swim—on the west side at Edward Cothren Pool. In summer, Mama sent me to learn. Janice was usually there too. And Calvin, who eventually became her husband. Easy swimmers, I called those two. They stroked the water like they lived in it. I wasn’t an easy swimmer, but I loved being in the water, and so swimming became something special to me—something I could do well and loved.

One of the reasons I took to the sport of swimming, I think, was I considered it something all my own. Let me explain. Both my parents made their living as gym teachers and when I was growing up, people just expected me to be good at sports. Why? Because they assumed that the whole family would be good at sports. Like it was in the blood, so to speak. It wasn’t. Truth be told, Mama was really an English major in college. The only reason she had this job as a gym teacher because that was the only opening at Austin when she applied, and, thanks to old Jim Crow, Austin was the only high school in Knoxville where you could teach if you were Black. And that was really how sports came to be what she did for a living.

As for me, I was not good at your everyday sports. “Not good” is a kind understatement, “lousy” is a more accurate description. As a kid, I longed to be able to jump rope, my playmates singing chants to keep time while the rope slapped the ground. Didn’t happen. They’d be swinging the rope, I’d jump in, get tangled up, and fall. And forget Jacks. No matter that Evelyne tried to teach me how to play this game where you pick up as jacks as possible before the little ball hit the ground. No way. I could never master it.

I was great at climbing trees, at the swings, and at hand-walking Jungle Gym bars, but those weren’t group games, which I just couldn’t seem to pull off. Swimming, though, that was a different thing. I took to it like a natural. Not like me and softball. Not like me and volleyball. I have to admit that it was a point of pride with me that I could swim fairly well when most Black people in Knoxville didn’t know how to swim.

Even Daddy couldn’t swim. And he was Mr. Sports personified— the revered coach and gym teacher. The reason he’d never learned goes back to his mother who’d dreamed, one night, that he drowned. This scared her so badly that she’d warned him never to go into the water, and he never did. At first, Mama couldn’t swim either; she learned to swim along with me, but I was better at it because I got to spend more time doing it than she did. I can tell you, the best things about swimming, to me: number one, there were no balls that I had to hit or catch; number two, it didn’t require the kind of hand-eye coordination that was my nemesis; and, number three, it wasn’t a team sport.

Unfortunately, at Vine Junior High, I was faced with having to take gym, and those group games I was so bad at playing came back to slap me in the face, reinvented with a new name: team sports. This time, I couldn’t avoid them. Everybody had to take gym every year. And to make the situation even worse, Mama was my teacher.

In autumn, Mama had us playing volleyball. That was unfortunate because when I played volleyball, my feet inevitably tangled up as I looked up, reaching, with both hands, for the volleyball coming my way. My feet would tangle and that’s when I’d fall on the player in front of me, or I’d collide with the player next to me. The other team loved it. My teammates did not.

In winter, Mama had the class playing basketball. She’d point to a couple of girls to be opposing captains, usually somebody like Pansy or Rosalyn or Janice or Judy. Then, the captains called out the names of girls they wanted on their team. Do I need to tell you that I was always one of the last chosen? Always last—after Charlene and Bea. It was excruciatingly embarrassing, and I got fed up with it, but I couldn’t really blame them. Who’d want somebody playing guard position who was so scared of fumbling and falling that she hardly ever moved around on the court? That meant girl I was guarding always got to make a lot of baskets when I was on the floor. My teammates, of course, didn’t like that.

Even the other losers in class who couldn’t play well enough to save their souls got disgusted with me. Folk got real savage about winning the game, you see. So, I resolved to do better next time. Next time came and I found myself guarding Juanita who was moving all over the court like a jackrabbit. I gritted my teeth with resolution, determined to do better, and desperately tried to keep up with her. She faked to her left, and darted forward. At that moment, I lunged at her, heavily off balance, tripping myself up and lurching into her.

Of course, Judy, who was refereeing the game, had to call a foul. She sighed and gave me one of her Judy-looks that said: "I want to cut you a break, but all you seem to know how to do is throw a wrench in the works." After Juanita got her free throw, scoring off my foul, we began again with her moving this way and that way, and me lunging around like a lumbering cow. It was beyond frustrating to me to try to guard somebody darting around on the floor. Why didn’t she stop moving so I could do my job?

Finally, in a reckless attempt to do better for my team, I simply snatched the ball away from her. Well, I can tell you that didn’t go over well. Not with Juanita, who started shouting at the referee to do something. Not with Judy, who was blowing the whistle at me in a long, aggravated screech. Not with my groaning teammates. Not with my mother, who looked at me like I was an idiot. In the end, I ended up on the bench for the rest of the period.

Come springtime, it was softball that was my nemesis.

Once more, I’d always be the last one picked for a team since it was widely known among my classmates that catching the ball was simply beyond me. Because it would have been plain foolishness to put me on one of the bases, I was always assigned an obscure outfield position.

One fine day, after they’d put me out there, Pansy made a hit that stopped both teams cold. Everybody watched the ball go up, up, up into the blue, looking as if it would outrace gravity and never come back down again. Eventually, gravity snagged it; and, slowly, it began to curve down to the ground. Down, and down, and down, it sailed, coming into the field area where Judy, Charlene, Beverly, and I were positioned. As I watched the ball, it suddenly occurred to me that I might be expected to do something... to-- Ohmigod!--catch this thing.

At this revelation, I looked to my right. Judy was running, eyes up tracking the ball as fell downward, her hands out to make the catch. I looked to my left, and there was Charlene, who, like me, lacked the athletic prowess to catch anything--there she was, caution thrown to the wind, making tracks for the ball, too. Behind me, deep in the outfield, Beverly was coming up, full steam ahead, legs pumping, dust flying, looking like the Roadrunner. I looked up at the ball again and trembled. What was I to do? This one, I calculated, was coming in like a cannonball—picking up speed as it dropped, so it would hit somebody or something—hard!

Here was my problem. Flying balls terrified me. I had gotten hit so many times when I was little, standing on the sidelines as my parents’ basketball teams played, that now, the moment a flying ball came my way, I froze, not sure whether to run, put my hands over my face and head, or try to catch it.

Staring up at the ball, I decided right then, it wasn’t going to be me trying to catch this thing that could maim me for life. Let the others come and get it. Let them get knocked senseless. There’d be no more flying balls going upside my head. This ball was not going to make me its target. Not today.

And I stepped back and out of Judy’s way. She caught the ball in a fluid, one-handed jump that was a beautiful thing to see. Her catch won us the game. Our team was still cheering as Mama sent me to the showers. And believe me, I was glad to go.

It makes for a funny story now, but back then, I wasn’t going to risk life and limb for a flying ball. Not then, and not now. No, sir. Not me. So, you can see what I meant when I say I was lousy at team sports.

But I’m not at lousy at swimming.

In the pool, the green-blue water laps at my arms; the smell of chlorine is strong and clean in my nostrils, and the feel of the water on my legs is like luxurious silk. I’m the only one swimming in the regular lane for lap swimmers.

No team members here. No group games. And no flying balls either.

Thank you, Jesus!

(end)

Knoxville Remembered Series: Old Austin

Copyright 2008 -All Rights Reserved

In my time, Austin High was the only high school that Black kids could attend in Knoxville, Tennessee. Jim Crow ruled as law and lord of the land in the South, and that was the way things were until public school integration in 1964 or thereabouts when the Knoxville had to cave in to the Supreme Court’s decision.

The original Austin was built at 327 Central Street in 1897 by the efforts of Miss Emily Austin who came South during Reconstruction, just as many Whites did, to teach Black people. That Austin was built to educate “coloreds” (the politically correct terminology in that day) from ages six to eighteen and it graduated students who completed the tenth grade; later, in the Roaring Twenties, Austin added the eleventh grade, and, finally, in 1936, the twelfth. By then, the city had constructed the Vine Street Austin, old Austin—the one I still dream about. This was the Austin where I grew up, where I was like a mascot, adopted by faculty, staff, and students. I called this one “old” Austin because by 1952, a new Austin went up right next door; then, old Austin became Vine Junior High.

At both Austins, my daddy—Coach “Dusty” George H. Lennon—was the Physical Education teacher, the Head Coach for football, basketball, and the occasional track and field event. That was his job way before I was born and he kept it until integration. When Daddy was Austin’s football coach, games in Knoxville were nighttime affairs because we had to “borrow” a White school’s playing field at night since we had none of our own.

On the afternoon of Austin’s games, the band paraded through the Black community down Vine Street, and on up—uptown—to Gay Street, majorettes strutting their stuff, drumsticks tapping a snappy beat, the Band Director, Mr. Cobb, dressed to the nines in white shoes, white socks, and a uniform suit of white with gold trim on his hat and epaulettes. Everybody turned out to see the band. Because everybody’s child went to Austin sooner or later, and it was likely that a band member or majorette or cheerleader was a sister or a cousin; and if kin wasn’t a band member or cheerleader, then perhaps one of them was your neighbor’s child, or the child of a fellow church or club member.

When we were very little, Janice Tate and I were the band’s tiny tot mascots, marching just behind the drum majorette. I remember we were still living on Mee Street then, so I hadn’t made it to second grade yet. I must have been in kindergarten, at least. Janice, too because she and I were always in the same class. We were small enough to be “cute” but not big enough to last throughout the entire march. I remember that Daddy would pace us in his car so that from time to time Janice and I could scramble into the front seat and rest for a few blocks before jumping out and marching again. I liked being the band’s mascot—liked marching to the rhythms of the drum line—like showing off my little legs, even though I was convinced that Janice had prettier ones—liked being recognized by the community folks—and I liked the attention the drum majorette gave us.

In a very real way, Austin’s band was our community property; all Black folks owned a piece of it. When they heard the “Street Beat”—a syncopated rhythm beat out by the drum line without accompanying music—they poured out of their houses and watched, beaming with pride, as the band marched by, not a foot out of step. They shouted compliments like—“ Go on, girl! Do yo thang, baby! Y’all know you tuff stuff!”—and sent the band, smiling, on their way to the next block. The community held them high in esteem; we just knew Austin had the baddest band in town.

White folk downtown on Gay street turned out too—bankers, merchants, sales girls, and shoppers alike. They loved the performance: a high-stepping band dressed in spiffy-looking, orange and blue uniforms, playing a toe-tapping-head-nodding-hip-shaking beat, and to top it off, they were led by a drum majorette—always good-looking, tall hat, short, peekaboo skirt, tasseled boots, showing off the kind of legs that White “cheesecake” movie stars of the time, like Betty Grable and Jane Russell, wished they had.

The band was always one of my very favorite things about Austin, where the world was all Black. To me, Austin housed a village—elders, griots, mentors, all of them, extended family. There was gangly Mr. Davis, the principal, and the pigeon-toed, bespeckled Mr. Ford, a musical genius who regularly turned out top-grade Choral Arts choirs. There was dark-haired Madame Stokes, our French teacher, whose eyeglass frames matched her colorful blouses—pink frames today, and tomorrow pastel blue or lavender ones. And, of course, there was Mama, the English major turned girls’ basketball coach and gym teacher. When I had to miss first grade, Mama would take me and my tricycle to school with her and I’d turn Austin’s gym into my own personal race track when no one was around. And when I got bored, I’d run outside and sit in the dust, watching Daddy and his boys at football practice.

That Austin, like that Knoxville exists now in my dream time. Integration marched in and kicked ole Jim Crow segregation out. And other things. For one thing, school integration killed off the jobs of a lot of Black teachers and coaches all over the South. I realize today, to my sorrow, that integration —in education, in public spheres, in the marketplace, to name just a few—killed a great many other things as well—among them our community cohesiveness, our sense of worth, and a lot of idealistic values based on something finer than greed and conspicuous consumption. Back in the day, Black folk championed integration—had high hopes for it, in fact. Who knew that it would backfire in our faces? When school integration came, for example, Daddy had seniority over other White coaches and teachers, but the powers that be swept that aside. Daddy’s track record as the “winning-est” coach in East Tennessee, Black or White, mattered not. The powers put him at the previously all-White Fulton High where he was to serve as assistant to the White coach. But that didn’t happen. Probably because the coach was too intimidated by Daddy’s winning record and experience to let him near the football field or the basketball court; so unhappily, Daddy ended up being study hall monitor all day, every day for the rest of his days until retirement. When Daddy died in 1980, The Knoxville News-Sentinel headlined his death calling him a “Giant Among Area Coaches” and The Knoxville Journal said “he maintained a brilliant winning record in both football and basketball.”

The Knoxville of my growing up—the one where I’d see a “White Only” sign over the water fountain at Kresge’s five and dime—exists no more. That Knoxville, where I only saw white people when I went uptown with Mama to go to the bank and pay bills, is no more. That Knoxville is gone. Gone is that time when we could only go to Chilhowee Park on Thursdays—the day when White kids and their parents stayed away because Black kids and their parents were allowed in to ride the merry-go-round and the ferris wheel. Our place to swim--Edward Cothern Pool, the only place we could go swimming to cool down summer’s heat--is gone. So is The Gem Theater on Vine and Central, serving up second or third run Hollywood B movies to us Black kids who could only see movies there or in the balcony of the Bijou. All of those things have vanished. Time rolled in and rearranged things--as time always does.

Yes, like the old song said: Time brings about a change. Time merged the two Knoxvilles—one White and the other Black—into one. Time changed Knoxville, just as time changed Austin so many times. The 1952 Austin—the one I graduated from—is no more. Now there’s another called Austin-East High School. Which was supposed to school both Blacks and Whites. Supposed to.

Change is not always easy to swallow. But life is change.

The city named the football field at Austin-East for Daddy while he was still alive. And I liked that. I like remembering Old Austin because that memory is part of what defines me. Austin's legacy is still around. And I like knowing that. It's good to know that there’s still an Austin around in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Monday, February 11, 2008

LA Observations Series- 3: This and That

All Rights Reserved - Copyright 2008

On the MTA Bus…

I hate smelling stale cigarette smoke in a person’s clothes…the odor of dried body sweat, or of piss. Of course if you use public transportation…the bus, or the like… then you’re likely to run smack dab into the vicinity of pungent scents that do not please your nose.

Generally speaking, I don’t mind the bus. It’s easy and inexpensive. I do hate it though when people on the bus use their cell phones to try to play it off like they have important business matters to attend to. Playing it off by talking loudly to impress. Talking obnoxiously loud to impress. Impress who? Us bus riders? Ever since “The X Files,” phoners, I think, have believed somehow that if they pull out a cell in public…on the bus, in the grocery line, at the doctor’s office, etc… then proceed to converse loudly and with great animation, then other folk will think they have BIG business afoot. Sooo phony. Sooo tiresome. I hate cell phoning in public.

Musings About the L.A. Weather…

I hate this cold weather we’re having. It’s abnormal. Strange. This is bone-chilling cold. Artic. Not warm and Pacific. It’s obvious that the chickens have come home to roost. We’ve screwed up and brought on Global Warming; now, nature is rebalancing itself. The seasons are off. Or, let’s say, they’ve repositioned themselves. When you get up or go to bed here in Los Angeles, it feels like San Francisco. Cold mornings and nights. Somewhat warm afternoons. But the cold… It reminds me of back east in its intensity. I’d gotten used to the warm for more than twenty-five years and I hate being cold now. But I’ll adapt.

Exercise in the Morning…

I did yoga for a half an hour this morning. I like yoga. It relaxes me in ways I don’t understand. All I know and need to know is that it keeps my body flexible, supple, strong.

I use a video tape or DVD to do yoga. Haven’t tried a class yet. Most of my videos are in the Sara Ivanhoe’s “Twenty Minute Yoga” series. Twenty minutes is just long enough to relax me and do some body toning. Which yoga is also good for.

I like doing yoga first thing in the morning. I like to get my blood flowing, my brain cells awakened, and my body celebrating another day of life.

As Martha Stewart says, “It’s a good thing.”

Today Is Sunday…

I’m in my Weekend College classroom. I’m teaching a Sociology class called “We Real Cool: Fantasies & Realities of Black Masculinity.” We’re using bell hooks’ book, We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity. I’ve got a great class of students. They’re interesting and fun and perceptive. It’s been great spending my weekend (all day Saturday and Sunday) with them.

When I went to lunch, I noticed the warmth of the day. This one is a perfect L.A. day…the kind that causes people move to Southern California. Haven’t had much of it being warm and beautiful outside lately, so I’m luxuriating in today. I can see outside from my second floor classroom. This is what I see: Red Spanish tile roofs atop white-washed buildings, the bare arms of trees, light blue sky. I can even hear church bells ringing. Just to give things the heavenly touch, you know.

I hope it’s warm tomorrow. And the day after. I think we’ll have warm weather most of the week. I suppose I shouldn’t obsess about the weather. Can’t help it though. L.A. spoils you. You get used to seeing craggy mountains standing majestically in the distance. You get used to seeing the sun beaming down on mansions clinging to sides of the Hollywood Hills, to the cliffs of Malibu. You get used to admiring the symmetry of tall palm trees lined up, edging side walks. You get used to listening for the singing of Cottonwood trees, their leaves moving in concert when a light breeze comes along. Yeah. It’s easy to get seduced by L.A.

On warm and beautiful days.

(end)

Saturday, October 27, 2007

From the Evansville Notebooks: In the Boot Heel of Indiana

Copyright 2007-All Rights Reserved

Indiana, in the heart of the Midwest, is shaped like a boot. Bloomington, which is home to Indiana University, is up the road a piece from Evansville, which is at the southwestern quarter of the state: In its boot heel. Remembering Evansville is remembering summer. Summer and banana-cream sunrises. Summer gathering her oven-fired skirts around her as the heat begins to bake you even before morning barely begins. In my memory, Evansville will always be Willie Taylor’s barbeque, Bill’s homemade Chow Chow, Allen’s Lounge, The Paradise, Lincoln and Kentucky Avenues, the University of Evansville (first named Evansville College), Posey County melons, biting into a home-grown tomato, eating fresh-caught blue gills, stopping to watch barges and motor boats plow across the bosom of the Ohio River. Evansville will always be summer. Summer and cornfields roasting under August flame. Summer and vermillion sunsets. I landed in Evansville, which sits on a bend of the meandering Ohio River, after undergrad and grad school at Indiana University. Back then, in 1967, it was a retiring, mid-sized city where ten percent of the 200,000 population was Black. I remember there being one building that might have passed muster as a skyscraper—the Old National Bank, approximately twenty stories high. And there were three newspapers (I wrote a feature column for The Evansville Courier), one four-year college, an Indiana State University extension campus, one modest-sized museum, two exterior shopping centers, one small airport, one bus station, and no passenger train depot. You could drive in a couple of hours on two-lane highways to Louisville, Kentucky, to Cincinnati, Ohio, or to St. Louis, Missouri. If you wanted to go to Indianapolis, which is in the middle of the state, it would take a bit more drive time. The thing I remember right off about Evansville is that the streets there had German names that I couldn’t pronounce. (The spelling and pronunciation were quite foreign to me, being from the South and all where the names are quite vanilla-plain.) The original settlers that turned Evansville into more than just a river landing for trade goods were, I found out later, German, Irish, Jewish, and British immigrants. And that included, according to the history books, people on the run from war or famine or the law, people kicked out of Europe for being who they were, and poor folk trudging west to find a home.


When I first visited Evansville, in the mid sixties, I’d been invited for the weekend by a fellow student who’d lived there all of her life. As we drove into town that afternoon, I almost ran over Ron Glass (the actor) who leaped out into Lincoln Avenue (which was the main drag in the Black part of town) as if he had bumpers on his behind. He flagged us down and bounded over to the driver’s side of my car. He asked whose car we were riding in. Ron, a student himself at Evansville College, stared at me while I was being introduced, nodded his recognition of me, then proceeded to chatter away. At the time, I thought he was fiercely handsome, brash and a little overbearing. (When it comes to being brash and overbearing, I’d have to say it takes one to know one.) God only knows what he thought of me though we soon got to be friends. Of course that was before he graduated and left Evansville for the actor's life in New York and, eventually, in Los Angeles where he landed a starring role in the television series, “Barney Miller.”

Eventually, I ended up living in Evansville. The how and why of that is a tale for a winter’s eve around the fire. Suffice to say, for the moment, that the circumstances were messy. Full of high drama…which, for me, during those days, most likely meant I was running from something. I was. In fact, I was running from several things. All at the same time. And Evansville looked like a convenient hideout.

(I’ll let you in on just a few tidbits to keep you interested and tempt you to read more in Mee Street II when that book comes out in the future.)

By the time I got around to living in Evansville, I was out of graduate school, carrying a torch for a woman named Stacey, trying to find my balance, bewildered and lost because Mama had died and Daddy had remarried. (His new wife and I never saw eye to eye though that didn’t keep me from going home from time to time.)

I mention all this to say that by the time I stumbled out of graduate school, I was broken-hearted, grieving, rudderless, and entirely without focus or direction. My mother was no longer around to point me in a direction she thought I ought to go. Which meant that I was without the navigator I’d always depended on. The love of my life…the woman whom I had desperately wished to skip down the road of life with was now traveling a path that I could not follow. I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I had gotten the requisite degrees. Now, something was supposed to happen. Something like living my life. Something like living happily ever after.

Something like getting a job. But what kind? Where? And how? While I was in my last semester of graduate school, somebody said something about a job referral bank on campus. I checked it out. There was a teaching position in Ohio at Wilberforce College and I had experience with teaching in college. I was teaching, while getting my Master's, as a Graduate Teaching Assistant in the English Department at I.U.

So. Okay, I said to myself. I’ll apply. But I needed a resume. A soror helped me piece one together. We didn’t exactly know what we were doing and we didn’t know anybody to ask about these things but we muddled through. WE put it together and I mailed it off. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. And started to panic. School was ending in sixty days and I didn’t have any place to go. Didn’t have a job.

My brain had gone into meltdown mode and I couldn’t figure out what to do. All I could think was that everyone I had loved had gone away from me. I didn’t know how to handle the emotions…the grief. They were raging inside me. Mama was dead. Stacey had kicked me to the curb. Daddy had married a woman who was…well, let’s just say he deserved better. (But I don't think he knew that.)

So I couldn’t go home. Wouldn’t.

Then, I visited Evansville. And while visiting that first time, I saw Evansville College. It was a nice little campus. Postage stamp small compared to the leviathan, Indiana University. It was suggested that I apply there for a teaching position. I did. They had absolutely no faculty or staff of color. And the pressure was on, by the late sixties, to hire a Black face. They hired mine. I became the first Black, full-time (but not tenure track) instructor there. They gave me a year to year contract. No security in the contract but I didn’t understand the ins and outs of all that anyway. I grabbed the offer.

And so began my deep, long sleep in a cave called Evansville, Indiana. A sleep that was full shadows and specters pale as death. A sleep always haunted by nightmares. A sleep that went on for fourteen-years.

(end)